I Should: That Word That So Often Hinders Us

“I should start the diet”, “I should call my mother”, “I should tell my boss that I deserve a raise”, “I should play sports as the doctor advised me”. There are many ought to torment us every day, turning into real walls that imprison us and remain standing thanks to that possibility that never comes.

Those “shoulds” become a kind of utopia, an unfinished dream, an unbreakable law and a barrier that prevents us from moving forward. Without a doubt, “should” is a word that hinders us and chains us to fears, insecurities and lack of action. This is why it is necessary to get rid of that burden we call “should” and which has the power to make any road much more torturous.

I should + complete with the most appropriate option

In the past few days, how many times have you said the word “should”? You probably haven’t counted them, but, without fear of making a mistake, we are ready to bet that they have been more than necessary. Without a doubt, “should” is one of the most frequent words in our internal dialogues.

This conjugation of the verb “duty” is linked to irrational ideas, those beliefs that disturb us and prevent us from living a satisfying life. These ideas have very deep roots that go down to our depths and guide our existence. However, instead of being a starting point from which to get something bigger, they actually block our tendency to action.

The “should” is often accompanied by “always” or “never”. There is nothing more pointed and severe. There are many who use these words to lie to themselves. They think that, by imposing a task on the conditional, they are writing it with the red marker in their diary, in reality they use the internal dialogue to reinforce the possibility of not completing it.

Action does not arise from should , but negation

When we decide we need to do something concrete, in most cases we don’t give it the form of a recurring action. Everything remains in the form of an unfinished promise, a random idea or even a reckless way of “convincing us” that we will change something.

For example, if we say “I should lose weight, because the doctor said some of the last tests are off”, we are thinking about the problem. Great, but that’s not the solution. Perhaps the phrase continues with a “I should go on a diet” or “I should go to the gym”. However, both are alleged actions, which are more likely to be rejected than accepted.

If instead of expressing many ideas in the conditional, we said “I will start the diet” or “I will join the gym”, perhaps it would be easier to fulfill these promises. Despite this, this is not ideal either. The best thing in these situations is to take the first step: get everything out of the refrigerator that is not included in the diet or put on your sneakers and start exercising.

Get rid of the shoulds to live more lightly

The Treccani vocabulary of the Italian language defines the verb “duty” (in all its conjugations) as an obligation. A commitment that we can understand or not, but from which we cannot escape. If we find ourselves under an obligation to do something we do not understand and we memorize those “divine orders”, it will be increasingly difficult to start acting.

Let’s go back to the example of the patient who goes to the doctor and who is advised to take some measures to lose weight; he questions its effectiveness, since he does not understand the logic of what is proposed to him by the specialist, therefore he cannot manage the situation as it should. Perhaps, if the doctor explained to him in detail the science behind the relationship between sport and health, the patient would say “I must”, instead of “I should … but I don’t find a valid reason to do so, other than the order that I received”.

The pressures and irrational thoughts that begin with the word “should” settle in our mind from an early age : “I have to get good grades”; “I have to obey my parents and teachers”; “I have to graduate”; “I must have a family”, etc.

Why should we “do all of these things?” Because this is what our culture, society or customs tells us! However, this answer is not enough. Why not understand that passing an exam, always saying yes to parents, choosing the right course at university or getting married shouldn’t be burdens on our shoulders?

When the should scares us and makes us feel guilty

The rules of society have existed for a very long time and that is why we do not question most of them. Those “shoulds” that are imposed on us as a moral or cultural law have not been adopted to annoy or harm us, yet they exist and often interfere with the ability to make our own decisions.

What happens if we do not respect the “shoulds” that are instilled in us from an early age? It scares us, even when following one of those duties prevents us from being happy. The “shoulds” we don’t respect make us feel guilty. Did you know that this feeling exists only in humans and pets, because it is the people who passed it on to them?

If we do our homework, we are free from the burden, but not from the guilt. Very often, the thought that “if we do not listen to a duty imposed by society, we harm society itself” is not true. Deciding not to go to college doesn’t mean we stop being good people. If we decide not to get married, we do not pose a threat to the community.

Remember that there are actions that will make you happy, even if they don’t meet the commitments of “shoulds”. Get to work and go from thought to action. Irrational or inherited ideas are often the main obstacle that prevents us from living a full life and only because, without wanting to, we cultivate their existence.