Bonding With Someone Who Doesn’t Know What He Wants Is Like Playing With Fire

Bonding with someone who does not love himself, who thrives on doubts, insecurities, fears and voids that others must appease, nourish and fill can be as dangerous as a fall into the void and without a parachute. Because those who don’t know what they want make love a deadly game of immaturity and irresponsibility.

Let’s talk about relationships: most of us, when we start a relationship, aspire to build a happy, worthy and meaningful relationship. We want true life companions, courageous lovers and mature people capable of building a common project: solid and satisfying. This is what we aspire to in capital letters and neon signs, however, we must admit, the reality is sometimes less bright.

According to Dr. Sandra Murray, professor of psychology at the University of Buffalo and an expert in couple relationships, affective spouses characterized by classic personal insecurity can become authentic psychological saboteurs. What’s more, these dynamics in which one of the two does not know what he wants, who does not invest clearly in his commitment and who doubts everything and everyone is a very common reality.

A curious aspect that the author herself explains to us is that many women start a relationship with insecure men immediately after having concluded another complex and tormented with a narcissistic partner. Suddenly discovering someone who doesn’t seem so focused on themselves at first glance is attractive. Seeing that we are in front of a person who shows himself fallible, shy and insecure at the same time can seduce us because of this more human and even more intimate nuance.

However, as coexistence and daily life begins in the evolution of the relationship, we discover sharp edges. They are like the tips of a complex iceberg that rises from nowhere and against which we irreparably crash, finding ourselves in a cold, distant and even destructive dimension …

We tell you about it.

Bonding with an insecure person: the consequences

At first, as we have indicated, this insecurity can be attractive. There is something captivating, sweet and even seductive in these profiles who show themselves to be vulnerable, who admit their fears, their doubts, their limitations. What’s more, there is no lack of those who fall in love with these people thinking they can change them, to be able to act as saviors by offering security and meekness to those who weave balances in the thin thread of fears.

However, we must be clear: in relationships no one can or should act as a savior, as a hero of low self-esteem, as a wizard of deep fears or as a courageous manager of limiting attitudes. This is so for a very simple reason: we can’t change someone’s personality overnight, sometimes we can’t do it at all. This work, this delicate enterprise involves only the owner of these intimate and private territories in which insecurity and emotional immaturity inhabit.

On the other hand, bonding with an insecure person causes multiple and varied consequences. We’ll talk about it below.

Personal insecurity in love leaves behind sequelae

At the beginning we said that sometimes there are those who feel attracted to an insecure person after ending a story with a narcissistic profile. Well, strange as it may seem, narcissism and this extreme and emotionally toxic insecurity have similar patterns of behavior and cause no such different wounds.

• Insecure people are characterized by a constant need for external approval and gratitude. We cannot forget that the self-esteem of those who do not know what they want is in danger. It is as if it were the wheel of a bicycle which is constantly punctured and which must be disassembled and “inflated”.

• Another common aspect concerns erratic and capricious behaviors, with emotional ups and downs and continuously different personal goals . Living with an insecure and immature partner is like giving our heart to someone who doesn’t know how to take care of it, who sometimes loses interest in it and needs it the next day like the air they breathe.

• The need for control is also a habitual feature.  This lack of personal security often gives way to distrust, doubts about the couple’s bond, fear of abandonment, deception or betrayal. As a result, it is common to have periods in which you need to control almost every step of your partner.

As we can see, bonding with a person who has not invested in his personal growth, who is made up of fears and who is unable to invest in a solid and healthy way in his or her partner project can be the worst decision.

What can we do if we live with an insecure person?

Personal insecurity has varying degrees, it is important to clarify this. There will be people who are aware of it and try to manage it, placate it as much as possible. However, there are also those who, far from seeing it, accepting it and facing it, defend themselves by wearing an armor of thorns. Anyone who gets too close is doomed to suffer. While the delicate and fragile being inside remains safe …