Attitudes That Destroy Relationships

Sometimes it happens that the form in which we express our thoughts or the behaviors we manifest leave much to be desired. We are blunt, vulgar, and don’t take other people’s feelings into consideration. Some of these behaviors are able to hurt to the point that they end up, on many occasions, breaking up friendships, couples and families. That said, what are the attitudes that destroy relationships and cause us suffering?

In short, it is about criticism, contempt, counterattack and definitive surrender.

Attitudes that destroy personal relationships

When someone responds rude or disrespectfully to an innocent comment, they involuntarily activate the emotional part of our brain. Not in a positive way, but in a negative way.

This is how this activation presents us with a dilemma between two actions, with the aim of protecting us: to flee or to fight. Feeling attacked, hurt or offended by a person we are familiar with, we usually choose not to give weight to the comment. But it can also happen that we respond with a worse comment, filled with anger. One or the other choice will depend on the degree of opposition or hostility we will feel at that moment.

There are traces of anger, contempt, and sometimes resentment in attitudes that destroy relationships.

However, the effect that comment produces on us tends to be the same: irritation, anger and displeasure towards the person who uttered it. This is how, if every time we meet her she adopts the same attitude and verbally attacks us, we will end up getting tired of her. Nobody likes to surround themselves with people who continually generate discomfort. Which is why we will decide to end the relationship.

Criticism

“You always leave everything on the ground”, “you never wash your hands before eating”, “you systematically arrive late, no one can stand it” are examples of not very constructive criticism. In addition to not being accompanied by a substitute conduct for the unwanted one, they contain decisive and sentencing adverbs (always, never). Expressions that leave no room for understanding or flexibility.

Well, the criticism can turn into a constructive suggestion or be replaced by a less harmful comment. In this way, we will avoid arguments, misunderstandings and the deterioration of our relationships.

To the sentences of the previous examples we could add a “if you leave everything on the ground, I will have to pick it up. And I already have enough commitments today. I’d like you to help me ”. Or “when you arrive late, you embarrass me. I don’t like having to justify you every time it happens ”.

Contempt

While criticism occurs mainly in oral form, contempt can be realized in two ways: gestually and verbally.

In the first case, it is a less direct but equally destructive form. Let’s see some examples. A group of friends made an appointment to have dinner, they have not seen each other for a long time. One of them is so accomplished that the others, instead of being happy for her, show continuous signs of annoyance. Another example is the boss who every time he speaks one of his workers directs his gaze to the sky, as if asking “stop now, please”.

Both cases,  even if not very evident, are very painful for those who suffer from them.

The language of sarcasm is another form of contempt. A form of hidden aggression that, misunderstood or carried out at the inadequate moment, can hurt a lot.

Counterattack or retreat: attitudes that exacerbate the conflict

Sometimes  we believe we only have two options when they attack us: fight back or run away. If we opt for the first, the most logical action is to automatically respond to the other person the first thing that crosses our mind. And it’s usually not a pleasant thing.

This, in turn, causes her discomfort which can lead her to fight us back again. Thus, both of us will enter a dangerous vicious circle that is difficult to stop.

Counterattack is one of the behaviors that destroy relationships. A trap that, if you are unable to manage, can cause serious consequences, including emotional wounds that are difficult to heal.

Conversely, retreat is similar to surrender on the battlefield. It is the result of a fierce power struggle between two people. Thus, after weeks or months of continuous attacks, criticisms or derisions, one of the two participants chooses to “surrender”: he seeks dialogue and not confrontation.

In turn, this attitude exasperates the other side, which continues to wait for an attack with which to feed its own. But in the end, getting no hostile response, he ends up getting angry, screaming and despairing. Some people do not know how to respect the breathing moments of others and instead of waiting, they increase the conflict with their own behaviors.

As we have seen, attitudes that destroy personal relationships are not pleasant, nor are their consequences. We are aware that if someone criticizes us (in a non-constructive way) we are unlikely to be his friends or that if we constantly complain to our partner, he is likely to withdraw from us. Despite this, we continue to adopt these behaviors.

Sometimes, it is better to stop along the way to breathe and become aware of what is happening, than to continue at full speed without considering the consequences of your actions.