The Secret Of Good Communication

When we talk about communication, we refer to all actions intended to send a message to other people and to receive it correctly. To put it this way, it would seem the simplest thing in the world, what need would there be to write an article on the subject? But the truth is that communicating is much more difficult than we think, it requires certain skills and, above all, a lot of practice.

Numerous interpersonal conflicts that occur, in fact, arise from poor communication, and that is why it is essential to learn to develop this ability if we want to improve the quality of our social relationships and, consequently, our personal satisfaction.

Learning to communicate is not an easy task. At school they teach us a lot, but not how to communicate effectively with others, and in the long run this can turn into a problem.

People can be very instinctive, they often act automatically and this causes communication with others to fail. How many times have we regretted saying something wrong to a person we love? And how many times could we have avoided a conflict if we had expressed ourselves better!

Why is it so difficult for us to communicate?

Experts consider that there are two main theories that explain why our communication is often inadequate: the theory of deficit and the theory of motivation.

• According to the deficit theory, people can’t get along completely because they don’t know how to do it ; that is to say that we do not have the faintest idea of ​​what we should do and how we should do it to improve our relationships with others. As we told you a moment ago, they teach us to read, write and solve math problems, but none teach us how to communicate effectively and solve interpersonal problems that result from miscommunication.

• On the other hand, there is the theory of motivation, which holds that we have bad relationships because we are not motivated enough to get close to the people we have to relate to.

If we reflect a little more on the question, however, we could add another theory: that of need. It is clear that when we argue with someone and we feel bad it is because we are demanding from that person that he is as we want, and not as he really is. It therefore happens that, as a strategy to change her way of being, we clash with her, scream, show her our most hostile side or make her a long list of things she does that are not good for us.

The first and most important step, therefore, is to acknowledge reality: people will not change just because we want them to, and we cannot require others to be as we like them.

Change begins with oneself

So you ask yourself if we can’t ask others to change, who should. The answer is simple: not others, but yourself. All the changes we make in our life must start from our will, our actions, even if it breaks our ego into a thousand pieces. And the reason for this is that we are the only people we have real control over, even if it seems difficult at times.

Forget about being able to control others, therefore, and also about being able to do something to change them: you cannot. What you can do instead is move your pieces, change the cards on the table, because, if you change, there is the possibility that others will start behaving differently. But you will never succeed if you get angry with them, because this will only serve to raise a defensive wall.

We need to look within and realize what our communication skills are: do they help us or make our problems worse? Would we need to change them? If you want to change something, it may be useful to keep a journal in which to record how you behave in certain social contexts and analyze whether your attitude is effective or how to change it if it is not.

The trick

There is a trick to communicating effectively, but it’s not a magic trick. First of all, you must be willing to strive and work to change. No change happens overnight. Below we present some effective communication techniques that will help you tremendously to improve your relationships with others, argue less and feel better with those around you.

• Surrender Technique: This is about finding the side of truth in what the other person is telling us. We must take into account, first of all, that there is no absolute truth and there is never a person who is completely right and one who is completely wrong. So it is good to leave the ego aside and acknowledge the “half truth” of the other. In this way, we will have opened the door of listening to the other person, who will feel understood, will relax and will be more inclined to listen to us in turn.

• Empathy: it means putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, feeling what he is feeling, even if we do not share his opinion. For the other person to feel that we are empathetic towards him, we need to summarize the other person’s words and acknowledge his feelings, taking into account what he is saying to us.

• Asking questions: no one is a fortune teller and it often happens that we miss something, but that shame, laziness or fear prevent us from asking questions to clarify our ideas. Asking questions is essential to avoid misunderstandings and to go deeper into what the other thinks or feels. Remember that questions should always be asked in a gentle and respectful way.

• “I feel that” : never begin a sentence with a “you”, like “you make me nervous” or “you are an idiot”, always remember that the only person responsible for your emotional state is yourself, not the other. It makes you nervous that the other is not what you want, and this is absurd. Take responsibility for your emotions and let the other know how you feel.

• Caresses: always end the conflict with a positive and pleasant affirmation addressed to the other person, even if you still feel angry. This will generate a deep feeling of peace in you, and the other will no longer be so defensive.